I Am...

I recently watched the documentary, I Am. If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you do so. This documentary answered virtually all of the questions that I have been asking myself over the last year.

Since moving to Pasadena I have been on my own spiritual odyssey, trying to make sense of a world that makes no sense to me and trying to find where it is I belong. Over the last year I continually feel as though I am so close to being right where I should be, but I'm just missing a couple pieces of the puzzle. Usually just as I am beginning to feel like I am on the verge of being centered and in a positive place, I slide back to my old habits. I struggle with materialism and my ego. It is hard to understand how I can have such a large ego, and such minimal self-esteem. Maybe minimal is the wrong word...average. I think I have average self-esteem. But this seems to be a paradox, considering I have average self-esteem and yet I judge people so quickly I rarely realize I'm doing it. I judge people based on what I believe success to be...and yet I do not live my life by my own standards of success. I suppose when you feel like you are not achieving success, it feels better to judge all of the others that are unable to achieve the same success. You know what they say, misery loves company. My own judgmental tendencies is what is holding me back from finally being centered and right where I belong. I Am....holding myself back from happiness. I Am....the problem. Feels good getting that off my chest and admitting it.

The problem we have here in the US is that we lack compassion and we've become disconnected. I am disconnected. I look away when I'm at the grocery store and someone looks at me. I try to become invisible. I am polite, but I am not connected with those around me. We all do this. Brett and I were recently with a group of hikers carpooling together to Rustic Canyon. About 10 minutes into the drive I looked up and realized that everyone in the car was talking to each other and Brett and I were sitting in the far back seats, making no attempt to talk to anyone. We were staring down at our cellphones completely disconnected. When I realized what we were doing I immediately put my phone down and tried to engage with my fellow carpoolers. How often does this happen to you? How often do we do this without even realizing it? I am so disconnected I find that I have very little compassion for others. I am sad and disappointed by humans...and this sadness and disappointment allows me to become even more disconnected.

I Am has shown me that I need a change. I need to be The Change. If I find myself distraught with the lack of compassion and love in the world...then I need to create that love and compassion. If I want to find happiness for myself I need to give to others what I want back. I'm not saying I will be perfect or that I will always be the definition of love, but I will try. I Am going to make a change.

Off Center

I've lost my zen. It's been missing for a while now. For a while I felt centered and like I had a grasp on things. At some point I lost that and started putting my focus and energy back on to worldly things. I'm mad that I've allowed that to happen.

I have a habit of taking on others emotions. I once had this friend that had huge emotional mood swings. One day she would be upset and acting like everything was falling apart, literally the next day all was forgotten. I of course was still trying to recover from our conversations because her emotions had fed into mine. My mom does this too. One day she will call in a complete panic, so-in-so has done something, or this event has taken place and now the consequences will be life changing. It seems like everyone in the family drops everything, gets upset over this terrible thing that she has told us is happening or will be happening and then the next day we're all trying to recover from this trauma that never took place and she's acting as though nothing happened. I have a hard time allowing myself around these huge surges of emotion. I find it extremely draining and it breaks my spirit.

Turns out my job is just like this. I deal with women who have surges of emotion. I deal with unhappy women. In the beginning I felt like I was able to end my work day at the door and behind me when I walked to my car at 5pm. As time has passed I am finding it more and more difficult to block out all of the negative energy. In fact, I haven't been blocking it out. I've been taking it on, allowing it to stress me out, which in turn has made me allow myself to absorb negative energy and chaos everywhere.

Animal rescue has been something I have always been passionate about. But I've realized that it has been just as draining as my job has become. When it comes to work, I am extremely organized and efficient. I like things done well and I like them done at a certain speed. Most people don't work at my pace and I've come to find that I work well alone for that reason. In fact during school I always dreaded doing group projects...now I know why. I have found that taking on rescue as an independent rescuer is not where I should be. It seems like more and more of these independent rescuers are loose cannons and are the type of people I avoid. I have found a handful of rescuers that I really like and that have a good head on their shoulders. But even having their support does not seem to be enough for me. The chaos and emotions of it is too much for me. I don't feel as effective as I used to be because I'm drained and exhausted.

Old Hollywood...Hiking..and the Death of the Hollywood Soul

Well it's Monday! I say that with true enthusiasm...although just about every ounce of me wishes is were still the weekend...I will still go into this new week with enthusiasm, positivity and hope.

Let's do a little recap from my weekend:

Friday night: Shirley MacLaine event, "A Night with Shirley MacLaine"

I was there so see Shirley MacLaine and hopefully hear her talk more about her metaphysical side than her days in Old Hollywood. The theatre was for the most part 100% filled and its safe to say that the majority of the crowd could have qualified for a senior citizen discount at the local grocery store. I have to admit, initially I felt like a fish out of water. I was somewhat dressed up, not really...but it was a far cry from my usual scrubs and tennis shoes that I wear to work. When I handed my ticket to the lady at the door she questioned why I only had one ticket...which I responded, "because I'm not with a group." She seemed shocked by this answer. Anyway the crowd seemed about 25+ years older than me and I was an outcast because I didn't even come with a group...I was a party of 1.

Once Shirley came out and the show started I was surprised by how easily I forgot about the metaphysical and just enjoyed hearing her stories and seeing the photos, video clips and video montage. Metaphysical stuff aside, Shirley MacLaine has lived one hell of a life! The things she experienced in Hollywood are amazing...it's partially sad though...Hollywood is nothing like it used to be. Seems as though its lost its class, its luster. Makes you wonder, if we'll ever have stars like we did back then. Probably not.

During the show she would touch upon her metaphysical experiences but never delved into it; well, not until the Q and A started. Audience members were given the opportunity to get into a line and ask her questions. A majority asked her about spirituality and UFO's and metaphysics..this was also the time that a lot of the crowd left that was only interested in her stories of Old Hollywood. Something that was so fascinating to me was the fact that every walk of life had questions about spirituality. An 84 year old woman discussed past lives, a middle aged house wife type discussed wishing she too could walk the 500 mile trek to Santiago de Compostela, but that instead she walked 500 miles around her neighborhood and had gained her own inner peace. The face of spirituality is changing. I believe that we're all beginning to open our eyes and see what has been right in front of us. We are finally seeing the whole picture.

Saturday: Hike with Bart the pit puppy

I didn't get much accomplished on Saturday. I was walking/hiking with a rescue dog that is waiting to be flown to Canada to his new home. I was so exhausted by the end of the hike I went home and took a long nap.

Sunday: Hike with Brownie and Kate

I also got very little accomplished on Sunday. A fellow rescue friend posted on Facebook that someone needed help walking their dog. I offered to help and picked up her dog on Sunday to hike Runyon Canyon in Hollywood. I have little good to say about Runyon Canyon, so I don't want to dwell on it for too long. Long story short, the reason I love hiking is because I get away from technology, I get away from the speed and rush that everyone seems to be feeling these days, I get away from unnecessary noise...Runyon Canyon had none of that to offer me. When I'm on a hike at Chantry Flats it feels so peaceful it actually feels spiritual...like the land is alive and has a soul. When I hiked Runyon Canyon, just like Hollywood, it felt dead and like it had no soul left.

I'm looking forward to this coming weekend. I wasn't able to real focus on myself this weekend, it was all about things that needed to be done. So next weekend I plan on taking a little time for myself to regroup and recenter myself. Also, my goal is to save up enough money for a mini-vacation (weekend really) camping and hiking at Joshua Tree.

Next blog...eating to create a more balanced self.

Synchronicity

I've been reading Shirley MacLaine's book, Sage-ing While Age-ing. In the book there's a chapter dedicated to synchronicity. Here's a little excerpt from her book:

The term "synchronicity" was coined by one of the twentieth century's most influential thinkers, the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. Jung defined synchronicity as "any apparent coincidence that inspires a sense of wonder and personal meaning or particular significance in the observer. It is a perceived connection between two or more objects or events or persons without any recognizable cause."

Why do I care about synchronicity enough to write about it? Well, it's EVERYWHERE. The thing about synchronicity is that it can be so minor you don't even realize it, or it can be huge and possibly life changing. I believe that once you make yourself open and aware to it's existence you will realize how often it takes place. Some examples:

Recently I thought of my friend Kirk. He and I briefly worked together when I worked in Downtown LA. We worked together for maybe 1 month, but we bonded pretty quickly and enjoyed each other's company at work. Eventually we fell out of communication after we stopped working together and I haven't seen him in about 5-6 months. Just a few days ago as I walked to work and I was thinking random little insignificant thoughts, an image of his face came into my mind. Nothing major...I just thought of him for a split second. About an hour or two later while I was at work I received a text message from Kirk seeing how I was doing.

Was this moment life changing? Not at all, but it got my attention...so maybe it was life changing after all. Up until this point I was starting to become aware of synchronicity on a larger scale, understanding how things work themselves out, why things happen. But I was not aware of how synchronicity is a constantly recurring part of my life.

After hearing from Kirk I started to be aware of little things that would take place. I pulled out a form that was under a large stack of books and accidentally pulled out an extra form. I thought to myself, damn! Now I'm going to have to pick up all of these books to put that extra form away. But I didn't put it away, I left it out and thought I'll deal with it later. This was a form I didn't have to pull out often. Not even an hour later I had a patient that needed this form and the extra form that I pulled out went right to her. Funny how these little things happen.

Synchronicity is such a huge part of our lives, but unless we are open to it's existence, we miss it. Look back at a something that seemed terrible at the time but turned out for the best. Synchronicity. Or what about an insignificant event that actually became life changing. Synchronicity.

Just a few months ago I was watching Oprah and heard about her Masterclass episode. This episode for me, was life changing. She was answering questions that I had been asking myself. And the biggest thing that I walked away with after watching the episode was 2 realizations:

1. Karma is real and exists 2. You have to give up control to have a greater understanding of the universe.

Not long after watching this I was watching The Oprah Winfrey Show, (I'm a big fan of Oprah) and that day's episode was with Shirley Maclaine. This was an episode I had zero interest in. Normally I would have deleted this episode and moved on to All My Children, but for some reason I didn't. I watched the episode and THAT was life changing for me. Shirley MacLaine talked about synchronicity, karma, color frequency, past lives, the soul, reincarnation, souls speaking through others, psychic abilities, etc. This episode went on and on and the more I heard the more it spoke to me. By the end of the episode I needed more. This was the moment that I realized what I felt I had always been missing was not something tangible, it wasn't a self-esteem issue, it wasn't something that going to my local church could fix...what I was missing was my spirituality, my understanding of my purpose.

Now every day I am aware of my soul, I'm working towards understanding why I chose to come back for this lifetime and what it is I am here to do and to learn.

Synchronicity....

Osama...what have we learned?

Last night while my Facebook and Twitter feeds lit up with news of Osama Bin Laden's death I couldn't help but be saddened for the state of humanity. It seems as though the majority of Americans are happy Osama was killed. While I am in no way a supporter of Osama Bin Laden, I don't understand how anyone can rejoice in the news of a person's death.

People justified their rejoicing by saying that those that were killed on 9/11 could finally rest at peace. Am I to believe that they have been wondering the Earth waiting for Osama to die? This is where religion can be so hypocritical...those that died on 9/11 have always been resting at peace. If you believe in Heaven or a higher plane, then you would believe that those that lost their lives on that day went there. So on the day that Osama Bin Laden was killed, I have serious doubts that anyone killed on 9/11 was thinking...yeah they got that son of a bitch!

What does it change now that Osama Bin Laden is dead? Nothing really...another fanatical type will take his place and it will all continue.

An eye for an eye accomplishes nothing. Do we not stop and realize that at the end of all of this we have accomplished nothing? Lives were taken in the name of nothing. Osama allegedly was behind 9/11 which killed 2,819 people..all senseless deaths in the name of Osama's God?? Then we turn around and kill him as well as several others that were at his compound? We've reduced ourselves to being no better than Osama Bin Laden. Sadly, he was killed because sharing the news of his death would look great for the US and would reflect well for our President.

So what have we accomplished by killing Osama? We've taught others that you don't fuck with America? Unfortunately, that's not something that you can take to the grave and find solace in. What does killing anyone accomplish? Is it the only solution to stopping terrible acts? As far as I know, there is no religion that believes in killing one another. When did killing become our duty or our place to decide?

My wish for mankind...the human race (not just Americans), is that we reflect on what this all means and focus on finding something that we can rejoice in every day for the rest of our lives. We need to understand that each experience is an opportunity to better ourselves, to reflect and learn for the next time.

Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that"

— Martin Luther King Jr

Finding My Balance

Felt like I needed less distractions in my life..and quite frankly, I could use one less monthly bill...so we suspended our sable service for a few months. I love how quiet my house is now. Now when I look back at having TV I feel like it was rattling my brain and keeping me from having complete thoughts...TV had become too intrusive into my life.

Today, Brett (boyfriend to those that don't know) and I took Brownie (our foster dog) for a hike at Chantry Flats. We decided to take a new trail (new to us) to Hermit Falls. This hike was just what I needed. I had no distractions from technology (glad I had no cell signal) and Brett kept our conversations to a minimum...which was nice. I needed to be alone with my thoughts and to think through somethings that had been on my mind lately. At the end of the hike I was exhausted, overheated, uncomfortable but I also felt the same calmness and serenity that I have at the end of a yoga class. I think everyone needs to take a few hours (at the very least once a week), remove themselves from the outside world and reflect on the week and life in general.

I guess this post has little to do with spirituality specifically, but I think regaining balance and serenity within yourself is imperative to finding your spirituality.

Shirley MacLaine

So excited!! A BIG changing point for me was seeing Shirley MacLaine on Oprah recently. She answered so many questions that I already had running through my head. So I'm excited to announce that I just purchased for myself a ticket to see her in Northridge on May 6th!

Have you read any of her books before? Right now, I'm watching the miniseries based on her book Out on a Limb and I plan on reading the book once I'm finished with the miniseries. I also downloaded her newest book, I'm Over All That and finished it in a day...couldn't stop reading!