How I got here...

I'm starting this new blog to be about me, my experiences in animal rescue (mostly dog rescue really) and looking for more in the world around me. My blog is about spirituality (not religion), well the pursuit of spirituality, my experiences in trying to create a better world around me and finding the answers to the questions I have.

Here's a back story on how I got to where I am today...literally at this very moment:

For as long as I can remember I have felt a piece missing, even as a kid I would look at my surroundings and feel as though there was more that I just wasn't "getting." As I got older my Mom started taking us to church and I thought, okay, this is what I was looking for. But even as a jr. high schooler and high schooler it becomes evident that church seems to be more about politics and a "you're either with us or against us" theme. I never fit in enough in church. When they asked if I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart I answered "yes," but really the answer was more like, "yes?" I think they saw right through my half-hearted yes' and sensed my skepticism. When I was a "Christian" I never felt more guilt and shame in my life...every day I got up with the goal to be "perfect," to live the life of a good Christian girl...every day I failed and every night I prayed for forgiveness. I think the best comparison would be to someone that goes on a diet every morning and ends the day having failed and feeling like they are worthless because they couldn't do the one thing they desperately wanted to do right.

When I went to college I was in Kansas, where there's as many Baptist churches as there are Starbucks (one on each street corner). I started going to a Baptist church with a few of my college friends and quickly realized if I was a failure in a Non-denominational church I was never going to last at a Baptist Church. I kept running into issues that I could not agree with. One night the sermon was about rape and abortion and that in no cases was abortion an answer. I walked out in the middle of the sermon. Not too long after that the pastor's sermon was about the Devil and how he had sent people to lead us astray. As the pastor zeroed into me and said that some of those followers of the Devil were in the room that night, I decided maybe I shouldn't come back.

So what did I learn from my experience with church and Christianity? Not much really; I was always an outsider. It always struck me that rather than embrace me and help me understand better they pushed me away. But when the goal is to keep others controlled by fear and guilt, I guess it makes sense to push out the skeptics.

Am I consumed with the Devil and here on Earth to facilitate his will?? I highly doubt it. I am involved in animal rescue and would do just about anything for a dog in need or one of my dogs (2 Chihuahuas of my own and 2 foster dogs). I don't seek out world domination. I don't make a lot of money and I'm not materialistic...well not much anymore (especially since I don't make a lot of money). I feel a little bit uncomfortable making eye contact with others and in my opinion someone that was working for the Devil would be big on eye contact. I recycle...I actually recycle like it's my religion. And I love to hike...if I were part of the Devil's army I doubt I would have time to enjoy a nice hike.

But here's the point...even if I'm lousy at being Christian I still want to more...not as in tangible objects and things...I want inner peace.

This blog will serve as me searching for my inner peace...wherever the hell it may be.